Denial

Feb. 25th, 2011 11:55 pm
3jks: (keyy)
[personal profile] 3jks
Title: Denial
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Length: One shot series
Summary: Katrice is alone in her dorm room with her thoughts. Thoughts wander and things come crashing down.

Katrice always wondered why she felt days like these. It's possible that her period is coming up and this is just her PMS talking but at the same time, it can't be all PMS right? Sporadic depression? No way. Maybe it is her PMS talking as she looks outside her dorm room. The sun is shining, the campus is covered from the snow dump three days ago. Although by now it's all ice or slush.
Pff, Katrice thought, that's sort of similar to what I'm feeling right now. Despite me being in a warm room, I feel like ice and the never ending cold.
It doesn't make sense in Katrice's brain how she can be so depressed on such a beautiful day like this. Yes she just got abandoned by her friends but she refuses to accept that she's actually lonely just because none of her friends are on campus during reading break. She remembers how clearly adamant she was in the past when discussing her future with someone. She can't remember who she was talking to but she remembered what she said.

"I will never get married. I like living on my own system. Living or being with someone just adds drama to everything."

Katrice just chuckles bitterly as she thinks about what she said. It's kinda contradictory to what she has been expressing to her friends recently.

("What are you so frustrated about Amy?"
"I keep meeting people."
"That's not something to complain about."
"People meaning guys."
"Oh~ but... don't you have a boyfriend?"
"I do. But he's all the way across the country."
"Are you contemplating on cheating?"
"NO! That's not what I meant. I meant, because my boyfriend is across the country, these guys won't back off."
"GGAH! I want to throw something at you."
"What? Why?"
"What? Why? You should know that damn well!"
"Tell me."
"No guys are running after me or trying to be with me."
"But you haven't even worked to meet guys, just sitting to the side and telling us girls that you like a guy."
"Shut up. I'm just jealous of you okay. Jealous of your confidence to approach guys. sooo unlike mine. I just want a nice boyfriend."
"In time Katrice. Just work for it!")

She refuses to think she's lonely but in reality that's what she's feeling. She's feeling lonely and she refuses to admit it. For the past week, Katrice has been living on her bed, typing out her essays that she needs to get done, or going to the cafeteria for food. Yeah in the beginning of the week, she went out with her friend, Julia, downtown. and spent money she really didn't have. She also did meet up with her conversation buddy, one out of two, with awkward conversations. (she can still never have conversation flow with buddy number one but that's for another story.) But she was supposed to meet buddy number two (the one that she actually have conversation flow with and excited to meet) but timing was not on her side and she was supposed to meet her other friend but she fell ill so she didn't meet her.
Katrice knows that it's not any of their faults but it feels like she's blaming it on them for her feeling of loneliness today.

So in order to get rid of this sinking, gloomy feeling she has been experiencing, she decides to ignore everything and making herself even more lonely. It doesn't make sense but nothing in Katrice's mind seems to make sense at this point. All day she waited for texts from her friends but when she finally got a text from Amy, one of her best friends here on campus, she suddenly became pissed for some unknown reason and shut her phone off. Instead for the whole day, instead of studying for the midterm coming up, or editing those papers she's been slaving over the past few days or practicing or doing of her Japanese homework, or being social at all, she locks herself in her dorm room and watches Youtube videos.

However, when she opens Youtube, she's at a loss as to what to watch. So instead she updates herself on reading various fan fictions. That just makes her depressed and even more lonely. It's a cycle. An evil cycle that she desperately wants to rid herself. On one of her expenditures to Julia's dorm room to feed her fish, she goes out to eat dinner for herself and met with some of her other friends that came back from reading break. She laughed but still, had that sinking feeling in her heart.

What might it be that makes Katrice feels this way? That makes her in denial of the loneliness she is feeling in her heart?
Katrice chooses not to answer and just abandons her computer and decides to forget everything (loneliness, future, money problems, education pressures, exchange expectations). Everything and lies on her bed, with the lights all off as the music is blasting in her ears from her iPod, and covers herself fully with her duvet and attempts to sleep. Maybe sleep and the next day will make everything better... maybe... just maybe...

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February 2011

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